Laptop

I dropped my laptop at Best Buy for the fourth time last night. The geek on duty (one I had dealt with before, who had been helpful and sympathetic) told me neither he nor his manager could issue the order for a replacement laptop, even though he agreed this neverending fiasco satisfied the conditions of Best Buy's "no-lemon" policy. Instead, he advised, he had to check the laptop in, send it to their repair shop AGAIN with a request to "evaluate" it for replacement under the no-lemon policy. This, he said, takes about as much time (for them to "get to it") as any regular repair, except inasmuch as they don't have to send the machine back if they decide to replace my laptop.

Just before I left I articulated precisely what is wrong with Best Buy's policies: (a) that Best Buy fails to advise its customers that their paying 15 or 20 percent above purchase price for a 3-year Performance Service Plan in no way guarantees them that they will ever have a usable piece of equipment; and (b) that the no-lemon policy similarly lacks full-disclosure, given the nonsense about the repair shop "evaluating" the situation after all I've gone through.

I also suggested to the helpful geek that he find a new job and stop working for Satan. Within obvious earshot of his bosses, he replied, "I'm trying."

I take both bistet and eloquentwthrage at their word: I am hunting down a consumer advocate today and plan on raising as much hell as possible.

I beg all readers never to set foot in a Best Buy store again.

I just had another 56-minute ordeal with Best Buy on the phone: I called and explained my story, in brief, to the switchboard operator, who said she would transfer me to a person "who deals with the no-lemon policy"; at which I took heart, as if they actually had a customer service person to support that policy. She transfered me I know not where. I waited 15 minutes or so. The person I spoke to listened to my story and said she needed to transfer me to
consumer relations or corporate care or some shit (I swear they just mix and match these phrases as it pleases them). I listened for 15 more minutes to silence punctuated every 45 seconds by a female voice saying "Please wait"; then my call ended up back in the standard customer-service "you call will be answered in the order in which it was received" queue. Ten minutes later a young woman named Nancy answered who asked me my name and phone number. I said:

"Before we even get started, Nancy, I need to ask you not to transfer me at any point to a place where I'm back in the customer service queue. I've already explained my situation to two other people who said they were going to get somebody specific on the line, and they I ended up waiting for my call to be answered 'in the order in which it was received.' Please do not do that again." She agreed. I explained my story and my position: that it was not acceptable to make me wait for the repair shop to "evaluate" the computer under the no-lemon policy: that I wanted to speak to someone with the authority to authorize a replacement laptop TODAY. Nancy assured me neither she nor her supervisor could do that. I asked for the supervisor. She put me on hold; for a few terrifying moments I thought I was back in the general queue (that level of cruelty would likely have damaged my psyche forever). But then her supervisor came on. Scott. He said Nancy had filled him in on my situation, and listened to my position/request. He then told me it was impossible for him to authorize issuance of a replacement computer. I asked to speak to HIS supervisor. Scott told me, and I quote, "I am the highest level of escalation available." But for the legality of being perceived as issuing a threat, I was about to say, "Oh, believe me, you are NOT."

He apologized for being unable to deviate from policy. At some point all the personal staff apologies in the world really get a little fucking old. I explained that I was about to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and investigate the possibility of filing a lawsuit as well. I gave a little summing-up of how astonishingly bad Best Buy's customer service has been throughout the entire ordeal, despite my having paid in advance for that service.

The most infuriating concatenation of words yet invented: "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" when, of course, the motherfucker in question has helped you with nothing at all.

UPDATE: Now I'm even more depressed. Lookit: http://www.consumeraffairs.com/retail/inside_bestbuy.html

Best Buy is clearly in the business of defrauding and stealing from their customers. I now fully expect to have the replacement of my laptop denied after evaluation. Starting the Better Biz Bureau complaint today.